Platitude Paradise

There are a number of fundamental elements of my life that have run amok of late: Our bankruptcy is going to drag on another year... all the while, gathering money we'll owe the Trustee... so the reality of our existing income situation dictates we will be paying this off for the next three years. Which means it will take that long to be discharged. My best friend and I are in an unpleasant phase. It doesn't happen often, but it is not an easy time... for either of us, I imagine. The truth is, I am hurt. My feelings were hurt when she blew me off for the movie date. I know it's no big deal to her, but to me going out to a movie is a big commitment of my time and energy... she doesn't realize what these things cost me. I know that... so what is the point of taking issue? Who does that benefit? It doesn't even serve me... except that I would have answered the question she asked me... right before she tore a strip off me for 'ghosting' her. I'm

It's true... I super can. Being as highly self aware as I have been of late, that knowledge doesn't waft past me like it used to do. Yesterday, I had to run a particularly unpleasant errand on my way home from work. It was something I didn't want to have to do AND, it is in a location that is a nightmare to get in and out of. Long story short, I was in a state of high irritation before I even got there. I got into the parking lot without too much ado, but upon leaving, I had to pull out into one of the worst 'round-abouts' or 'rotaries' in our fair city. It was nearing 4pm and the traffic was already a little on the stupid side. I was turning right, out of the driveway into what immediately turns into 3 solid lanes of traffic - which at that hour of the day, is mostly stopped... waiting for a chance to floor it into the circular nightmare that awaits... and will ultimately spit you out some other exit and send you on your merry way... provid

I am so friggen blue. I keep telling myself that everything is great, and I just need to shake this off and all will be well... Just shake it off, already. Except... maybe that isn't entirely true.  My 'bestie' expressed her interest in seeing Bohemian Rhapsody with me, as we are both big Queen fans... I agreed. I even followed up when the movie was released. No plans were made. I found out this morning that she has seen it with her boyfriend... and it was aH-MAZing!!  That was hurtful. My birthday was Tuesday. Not a special birthday... but my day. My Mom and middle sister texted me, my father wished me a happy birthday on facebook and my kids completely forgot about it... evidently, so did my youngest sister, as I have still not heard from her. This on the heels of cancelling my party because nobody seemed overly interested in attending. Am I disposable? I feel disposable. I seem to exert a large amount of effort on other people. Wh

That is what greeted me when I arrived home. Need I go on? Oh... but any of you, whom have been inside my sphere for 30 seconds or so, would know - I will go on... and on. I still smell cat shit. I love my cats very much, I truly do.  Honestly, one in particular.  He's my special boy.  He is also the culprit! The other one has to be super motivated to go down the basement stairs, so I am pretty certain the poop belongs to Moe. Not a common thing for him to do. I moved their litter box.  I showed them where it was, but it was moved.  That may be why. I also denied him the 'out of doors' for a second trip today. He could be pissed about that. I really don't know, maybe he had claimed the basement room.  Now that Stretch is down there, maybe he is acting out by shitting on her bed. Stranger things have happened, right? Bear in mind this was my homecoming welcome from a day that began with my car not starting. (It did e

The holiday season is upon us. This is a big fricken deal in my house. We painted our dining room and put up my beloved cards this weekend... and listened to Christmas music by the light of a fire. It was a very nice night. Honestly, it was a really good weekend, all the way around... plus my dining room looks so much better! My hubby is getting on a plane and flying across the country to work for the next few days.  I'm a little sad about that. It seems I'm a little sad about a lot of things right now.  I'm nostalgic... but in a more mopey, than wistful kinda way.  It came to me while I was soaking in the tub this afternoon, what it is that I am missing about Christmas.  You know the feeling I mean... that childish wonderment. The excitement and magic of it all. The innocence.  For all the time I have wondered why I could not recreate the feeling, it never occurred to me what it actually was. It's impossible... I'm not innocent anymore.

Did I do this? Or was this behavior a predisposition that would've reared its ugly head at some point anyway? I'm talking about a breach of privacy. I'm talking about the fact that I brought my work computer home the other day, then took my kids to a doctor's appointment for flu shots... and upon my return, I found my laptop bag rummaged, and my computer had both explorer and chrome open to sites I had visited that day.  Sites I know I closed. One of them was our credit card processing portal.  I never EVER leave that open. I have spent the past two days trying to convince myself that I must be losing it. I had to have left these sites open... it isn't possible that my husband would again invade my fucking work space, is it?  It can't be. Not after I told him it was a deal breaker for me. Would he risk that to satisfy his voyeurism? I mean, I'm not physically naked, but emotionally I can be, in this space. I have started a

I had to scrape frost off my windshield this morning. I wanted to cry. I miss Summer so much. Here are the things for which I am currently grateful: **We are just about level with our bills. **I have gathered, organized, spread-sheeted and calculated nearly all the info required to finish our bankruptcy. There will need to be extra money paid in, but if we can catch it now, we can pay it up before April. One step closer. **It is not yet the end of October, and my Christmas shopping is almost half finished. (squee) **I think my va-jay-jay is finally all good! (squee) **I found and purchased used snow tires fora quarter of what new was going to cost. (squee) **I'm facing things. Like a grown up. It feels good to feel in control. A more positive song for tonight. I accomplished things today. Now, it is time to untangle my head and try to actually sleep tonight. I haven't been having the best of luck on that front. Plus, when I do actual

I don't really relate to this on a personal level, but on a 'wanting to submerse myself in drama-rama' level -  you have to admit this is a gooder. You know what I find amusing about being so painfully self-aware? The shit you actually learn about your weird-assed self. Oh... is that only me? Fuck. Well, I guess I'm just more interesting than most.  I mean, I am pretty basic on a superficial level. I have issues with boundaries, filters and daddies... but who doesn't have issues? I don't think anyone would ever think I was overly complicated... but sometimes people fail to note the depth and breadth of their effect on me. What I am observing during these past two to three weeks is that even my taste in music has changed. Isn't that weird? Like songs that have made me break out in spontaneous dance spurts for the past five or six months, suddenly irritate the shit outta me.  A swing from manic to depressive and now happy music isn't allowed. I fold in on

Okay... So, today was a better day. I slept like the dead last night - which I haven't done in a very long time. I had taken today off to spend with my girls. We went to Service Canada to get their SIN's and then to lunch.  Stretch had a friend coming to visit this afternoon.  They watched The Shining.  Eesh.  Shorty and I went to Crappy Tire to buy her a new fan, but instead came home with a new vacuum. My stupid vacuum hasn't been working well. I haven't been able to clean the fur off the area rugs in my house for some time... unless I sit down and 'brush' the fur into piles, and then vacuum from there. The one I bought today at least has a power nozzle on it. It was on sale for $80, from $199... I grabbed that sucka!  I got a letter in the mail today. My husband handed it to me and I figured it was some sort of bad news.... I am becoming rather pessimistic in my old age. It was a cheque for over $600! Back pay from Revenue Canada, if

Oh man! I gotta let this go. I hate when this foolishness comes. I hate who I am when I swing low. Every word of this tripe fills me with a flood of self hatred... but 'they' tell me to write. 'They' being the various experts that have had a hand in my progress to date. 'They're' all I've got. I have to at least try it their way. I find myself angry about things that are quite possibly irrational. I mean, there is an underlying issue with the division of household responsibility, but it's obvious I am being a little dramatic. Don't get me wrong, I'm truly very angry. The emotional response is the same, but I can actually see that I'm out of whack.  So... I'm aware of the fact that I am being unreasonable... mind you, unless he is reading this blog, my spouse would have no clue I've been so twisted... so I guess no harm, no foul. Still... This is very uncool... and in some ways, I feel like my response is getting

Ever paid close attention to a screw biting through wood? The screwdriver turns it by the head, until the teeth grab, forcing a hole deep into the wood's grainy interior. It is actually a very violent process for both the wood and the screw.  Yet somehow, there is a deep satisfaction found within conquering the mighty tree with a teeny piece of steel. I'm not really sure which of these parties I relate to the most. Perhaps in turns, I experience both sensations of late. I am highly unsettled.  Highly agitated.  Highly volatile. ...and yet, all I feel is low. It's that damned time of the year again.  "The Low" I hate this.  I can't control my own reactions.  Can't control my own moods.  I'm feeling like a raw nerve, sticking out into the cruel world... begging for someone to inflict some pain.  The worst part is that there is an energy that comes off me that most people pick up on - no matter how hard I work t

Oh spare me the details! I'm not sure that I have ever detested being female as much as I do this week... Perhaps with the one exception of the 9 month yeast infection I had as a teen. Otherwise, this takes the prize. I'm overly emotional. I'm in a great deal of pain. My hoochie is unhappy to the enth degree. I'm eating like a starved person. It's like my body is in need of something in particular, but I can't seem to figure it out... so I just keep eating stuff. You'd think I was preggers or something. I'm not, of course... but then my spouse actually asked me if I picked up gonorrhea somewhere. Wait... what?! Seriously, dude... are you new here? What a thing to ask your spouse of the past 19 years!  Have to say, that one seems to be sticking in my craw a little... like trying to swallow a porcupine, arse first.  Sigh This will be short for today... my journal entries are never fun to re-read when I am in this h

Angry, self-pitying Dani, that is. Anger isn't normally attractive... nor is self pity. It's hard to predict, hard to spit polish, and for me at least, hard to hide. I'm also emotional as hell. Some days it is mind numbing, being a human female. There is no way for me to know for certain, but I really do not believe that men experience anywhere near what women do for hormonal swings. For me, it is especially challenging as I am often unsure if I have a med issue, or am simply experiencing a hormone fueled flippity flop.  Had to go back to my doc last night to get more medication for my very angry coochie. My poor girl is not in good shape just now. Even while giving yet another urine sample, she's so swollen and raw from the infection by this point... well, I peed all over my hand. I did a better job of that when I had twenty pounds of Stretch sitting on my bladder.  I was told I would be getting an internal exam... you know, to make certain everyt

Seriously... this could easily be me at Christmas dinner this year.

I am starting to dislike holidays. This past weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was perfectly happy to not spend a small fortune on turkey, ham and all the fixin's.  Perfectly happy not working my hole out for an entire day. Perfectly happy not being invaded by family members with whom I am currently rather salty. Alas, ass invasion occurred from a number of fronts, and I caved to please the majority. This is how I came to host dinner this year. It's also how I realized my husband is 'managing' me with a recurring tendency I have grown to dislike, a great deal, in recent years. I have to say that I am bloody tired of this passive aggressive, manipulative, bullshittery. Like really good and tired of it, in fact. By and large, with the exception of the odd blue job that crops up (like... um ... fixing the car? Carrying heavy things?) there really aren't very damned many household jobs that I don't do, almost exclusively. I don't

I'd like to say that this is my style, but I'm afraid it's more like "shabby chick"... and let me assure you that 'k' makes all the difference in the world. I'm pretty basic, by and large. Apparently, according to the Urban Dictionary, that is not a good thing:    But that really isn't me, either. My Uggs are knock-offs that I bought at Frenchy's for $12, and I more than certainly do not wear them in August. I refuse to pay more than $2 for a cup of coffee, so Starbucks is a non sequitur. I do love me the odd selfie, but I don't find I like them all that often, ergo I do not share... if I'm posting a selfie, there are two things true for sure: I managed to grab a selfie that I like (possibly not day of, as I will save them) and I'm in need of positive public attention. Most likely because I am feeling ugly and my mother's been dressing me funny... or someone has hurt my feelings somehow...